Through the Fog

Let me introduce Sunday reflections. Part of my path forward is finding peace and happiness in a world that often is chaotic and where I choose to find the positive moments to head into the next week. This Sunday I am blessed to be finishing a little trip to the NC mountains with the cheer team. Wow – they made it amazing and totally rejuvenating so I can return home and face all my tests (a bunch over the next 4 weeks) with love and confidence. You got this mom – I hear that a lot. So let’s start….

I am writing this as the sun shines through in the morning as we pack up to leave. The rain has stopped but the fog covers the mountains as I look over the mountain range. How life is so much like this as we feel so lost looking out into our world and can’t tell what is through the fog. The sun peaks through letting us know all will be ok. We must trust that the warmth we feel through the clouds lets us know that all is well in our small cosmos. We have the strength and the power to let go of our problems and take a step forward.

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Morning fog this morning covering the mountains. Love this view.

In the beginning, I was stuck deep in the woods – I mean deep if you can find the bottom of the trees where a bunch of trees have fallen on top of each other – you would find me there. I was scared – scared to breathe – scared of all my bloodwork – the what if’s always caused me to panic. My thoughts were on a never ending wheel. The doctors said the anxiety was totally normal with the high level of steroids and not knowing what would happen next. OK, this normal was a tough place to stay but I had to go forward. Who will save me (besides the cheer team).

I found it – it took me 7 months (I have some bumps still ahead of me which you will share with me) – but it is me. A friend who helped me a lot through the early months of the diagnosis told me that you have to save yourself from yourself. That is the meaning of being saved. Wow, he was right. I’ve learned to look for the clearing – of course a farm in sight – my own passion where life begins and is celebrated. Find your passions – find your loves – find yourself. Can you see it or are you still stuck in the woods?

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From the open arms we see pulling us towards life or the chance to jump off the rock. – (Yes the water was cold. )

We are not alone. I will be totally honest – I am afraid to die – afraid to leave my husband behind and my 3 children that we brought into this world. I have been so afraid to die even before this disease that I didn’t stop to breathe each day. I am trying – I won’t say that I am still not afraid as I read the support group chat and saw some sad news. Of course, the wheel start to spin – will that be me – will my bloods be ok but the scan shows disease progression – will I need a transplant – how long…. On and On! As my husband grabbed my hand and said you got this – take a deep breathe – you don’t know your story yet – today we are ok. We are ok – in the mountains after being locked up in my house for 7 months afraid of Covid. I can still get it but with rates dropping and I’m of course masked up – I got out to the woods to hike and be part of nature.

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Thanks cheer team for a 5 day retreat from drs appt and the real world. We got this and as I leave the Sunday reflection I ask everyone out there to take a moment and breathe. Find happiness through a moment in your day where you can be you, be real. Let go! I’ll be there with you trying too.

Here are some of our top hits to come. Getting the pics together!