Life returns as the baby bluebirds start to emerge from their nest.
Lessons from the Backyard – Taking Flight Again
Life begins again – look closely you might see our newest additions to the backyard “Baby Bluebirds”
It has been a long time since I have felt the energy to create for the Backyard. It was not for a lack of desire to write, photograph, or create this dream – but – instead a life that got in the way – to keep going – trying to look and feel normal. Is it a lack of strength? A lack of creativity and smarts? What made being in the backyard and making my paradise a reality such a burden? I am not sure that I can answer that question yet beyond the label of living with a chronic disease full of daily medicines and brutal fatigue.
My hope instead as the summer tiptoes slowly (I hope) is to find a peaceful place where I can accept that the doctors can’t heal me and that I can learn to love and appreciate my body. I will putter around the backyard in the gardens – with the animals – cook some healthy meals (a new goal) and learn what I need to help my body find harmony in being. I love to write and share, so I hope some will find these thoughts and experiences, projects or recipes fun as we journey together in a world of unknowns. In a world where doctors are not sure what or why our bodies betray us – saddened that their schooling doesn’t have the answers to cure us or even answer our questions. Instead, we must take a hopeful path forward. To those out there with a chronic illness or the imaginary autoimmune that dodges all tests, we must travel this journey together.
Today, I am starting anew. I walked my backyard (a little in the front too) and started with my grateful moments. A wonderful family of humans and pets, nature’s miracles all around me, the sounds and smells of life with the sounds of the bluebird babies chirping for food ran through my head. Below are some things that caught my eye today as I walked. Be – I told myself; Be here – not in your fears, thoughts or what must be done but just be. Hear the wind through the trees and the girls calling you to come back to the coop. Just BE. Today, I urge us all to be where we are – give yourself a moment to just breathe in the air around, and be mindful of the nature around you that is springing to life – A life that we so desperately want to have spring inside of us. Until the next post – I hope not too long – be well.
I wonder what she is thinking?
BE your sun today
Life is all around us waiting to give us strength – we just have to stop and look around to see – to know you are not alone in this journey called life.
Well, the event that we (myself and cheer team) worked so hard to keep away from me happened. I have been so careful and was feeling more confident. Living in Florida (lately COVID central), we spend a lot of time outside but with a weakened immune system the delta variant found a way in even being outside. It is not joke. Maybe a beach party, maybe the grocery store maybe anywhere – it gets in. So fast that you don’t even know. Nobody did anything wrong but it happened. So far, I am lucky. Once I tested positive, I received monoclonal antibodies and those little ones are like superheroes that stop my cold quickly. My dear friend helped me get them on day 4 and she is my guardian angel. It is scary how fast COVID progresses when you don’t have a way to fight for yourself.
For today’s post, I am back up again and went out for a little walk in the yard to take some pics. I had been out of it for a few – on day 6 of COVID – and I am up and feeling ok to write my blog. The backyard is a little bit of a hot mess. Maybe a hot, sticky, humid buggy mess. I can’t smell it so I am hopeful that the lavender is still filling the air with sweetness.
Tower replanted
A million peppers exploded
Matching Purples
Love the explosion of colors and detail.
My Little walk about – I love the colors of life.
I ask myself why? Why so many challenges? Why so many problems? What have I done wrong? The questions are real and my heart wants answers but there will not be an answer. I look to faith which can be challenging for me as I even ask questions there. My chronic disease has tested me in so many ways and exploring faith was a huge journey over the last year. At times, life is too much and there is no reason. I am learning to let go and know that we don’t have control over much in life. I think about life as a roller coaster. We are all buckled in and the journey will take turns, dips, climbs and spins. You might see what is ahead but you might not see the corkscrew turn coming next. Some coasters go backwards – we trust the rails, the engineering and let go preparing to scream, laugh or maybe even cry. I remember a time when I was little when my dad and I rode the Loch Ness monster ride at Busch Gardens. As we get to the top, my dad sees the dip and looks at me in terror and screams “Oh God we are all going to die.” It rocked me – I freaked out. No, we laugh about that ride but how was I scared during the ride. It took me a long time to get back on a rollercoaster but I did. Just like we get back on the life coaster. I close my eyes into the dips pushing my head against the headrest. I control what I can control. I put myself in the best position that I know. Once the dip is over, I open my eyes, let out a scream and enjoy the flips, spins and the rush until the end. Life is like that – control what you can over the dip but let go and enjoy the rest.
As I sign off today from my COVID isolation, I urge everyone to take COVID seriously. It might be annoying having to change your life but it helps. It helps individuals like me that you wouldn’t think are fragile. You help my kids who are terrified about losing their mom. My husband so he doesn’t suffer from a cardiac event from the stress. It helps my students so I can go back to work and hopefully inspire some kids to become scientists.
One lesson that leads my teaching is love. Love this world, love each other, just love. In every response to my students, I think about how can I show them love. So many in today’s world need love. You never need to apologize for showing love. So I might be seen as a lenient teacher at times but again the more love that you show – the more they work with or for you. Focus on others for a little bit. Even if just for today, what can you do to help someone today? The one thing that I know might help is to put on a mask. I am not getting into the vaccination debate though I have a strong opinion but the mask is easy. I see such mean selfish comments about this issue online and hear so much hate. Please help stop the spread of this virus; stop all the hate in this world. It is real and it hurts. It is scary and yes I know about the survival of the fittest etc. It might be true, but we are human with a wonderful brain to feel and care about others. Empathy is a unique trait and I think we should show the world what is like to be human – an empathetic human.
As Meadow urges –
Live each day loving others so we can make our world a safe place for the ones who aren’t loud enough to be heard.
Well, a day has gone by and things have calmed down mentally. Thankfully, only some dribbles over the waterfall. I wish that I could have done a better job trusting more and worrying less than rushing to the edge of the falls. My medical tests this week went ok – not perfect and rosy but I am good. Tests are clear just need to continue to monitor – add it to the list. I write another page in my journal giving thanks and gratitude for my team of doctors and of course the cheer team. Through my grouchy day, they gave me hugs and always said the right thing. They now know not to say it is all going to be ok all the time. The best thing that they do is stand by me and say – we are here. Together, we will face it good or bad. I remember from Kate Bowler’s podcast that she explained that the reaction of people to your disease can be so hard. They want you to be tough, be healed and be able to move on. Well, you can’t always do that and for the one who is going through it your heart is being torn to pieces. A chronic disease is not one that is fixed or cured; we just do our best to keep it asleep by taking medicines that in themselves are terrifying. I remember her saying once that you need the people around you to get how awful this disease is and just be with you. They can’t fix it but they can be there through the hugs, the smiles, the hikes and time. She is right – pep talks aren’t always the best comparing your diseases to others. We need to be able to acknowledge that our pain, fear and sadness is real and it just stinks. Life is not fair. I might not get to do everything that I had planned to do, but I am able to do what I can with my cheer team. That in the end is perfect.
My sweet girl that walks every step with me – the small to the large.
Enough about my rough day, I have returned to my backyard passions as they give me peace, hope strength. Nature and being alive is fascinating and when you stop to look at the life around you – you appreciate the miracles of a single day. A passion of mine that started a few years ago was bird watching. Many times during the COVID lockdown, we enjoyed watching the feeders in our backyard. We had some amazing sites to see such as a hawk that we named Ernie learn to fly and attempt feeding in our backyard to a loud bluejay demanding more peanuts. Thankfully Ernie was not a fast learner – not capturing any of our backyard visitors.
From cardinals, doves to bluebirds, woodpeckers and the tufted titmouse; we are blessed to be visited by so many friends.
To start my birding blogs, I wanted to show you our basic feeders that bring us so much joy. My husband built the poles and we bought the feeders at Wild Birds Unlimited. I also buy my feed there. They are so helpful and knowledgeable. They make backyard birding magical. If you have one by you, visit the store and ask lots of questions. They are happy to help and answer. Cornell Ornithology is also a great site to explore to learn more about birds. You will be amazed at the birds that you see and how they make you feel more alive. I love when bluejay screams hello as an old friend visiting taking my mind away from my own life into a fantastical one. My sister-in-law told me that a cardinal symbolizes a loved one that has passed coming back to visit you. What a beautiful thought as most of us have resident cardinals that visit each day. To think Grandma comes each day to check on me makes me smile knowing that I am not alone; she is watching over my steps. Appreciate life from the life of your backyard birds to your own cheer team to the ones you will be routing for along life’s journey.
Check back often as I hope to take many pictures of our visitors and document what works best for us. It has been a trial and error but a fun experiment each week as I clean and load the feeders.
So, the first week of blogging was going well with a puppy, a super positive attitude and finishing a trip home from my favorite mountains .. what could change that? Well, back to reality and doctor’s appointments with test results and that portal that pops up with a new alert “letter for you to view”. Technology – Yeah! It is amazing to have instant access and I do appreciate it. It was especially great when I was healthy. Now, it has a new meaning to click and pray. So I am still waiting on some results and I am not sure how to keep focused on the good. Except – I guess intentionally doing it. Trying to stop my nerves is like standing at the top of the falls feeling the adrenaline rush through my body if I were to fall. How could someone who gets a daily dose of prednisone feel any more of the intense panic?
Why?
My plans yesterday were to post about my backyard bird feeders. I will post soon as they are one of the true happy parts of the backyard, but I thought I should keep it real – my story – as it goes up and down and possibly falls. So right now, I am focusing on the good, what I know to be true (not the what if’s) and our amazing family including sweet Meadow barking you got this – I need you.
Questions continue to rage inside my head “How will I make it through the each day?” This test might turn out ok and be something we just monitor but then there is next week and then the bigger scan the following week. It doesn’t seem to end. I can’t stop researching the tests and possible results in my portal. Yes I am one of those people who knows a little too much but not enough. Being a science teacher, I love to research but personal research is debilitating. How can I make it one more hour without shaking or screaming why???I don’t want to be whiny and have people cry for me; I want to be strong. But really I want to scream; I want to go back to work; I want to not think about what is next. My sister-in- law told me a quote from Amy Robach’s book from her husband about not dying before you die. I have to enjoy each day – from the small to the even smaller. You got this and with each step I have to believe it is going to get better.
So to bring calm to my mind today, I am looking over my journal – my thoughts from the last 7 months to keep me strong. Wild were my thoughts in the beginning but all have the same message – believe, pray, trust, and be the change for others. So I get to work on my projects, cleaning and such but most importantly I have to get outside myself. Go smell the lavender in the backyard. You are still here so keep going – keep pruning the bushes. I pray to let it all go and the truth is that my body and the medical team are working their hardest to keep me safe. So, let’s go Bitsy – keep on going. Today might be shaky, definitely coming off the anesthesia and no food for 2 days but it is time to breathe and work.
My lavender outside my backdoor
Well, I did some errands out and about. I did it even a trip taking sweet Meadow to the vet. I put on my mask and faced the world. Being away from everyone for 7 months except for my medical team and family had become my fortress with an awesome moat. Maybe it was safe there but I need to go on especially for my cheer team. They need me to cheer them on so I take steps. My best advice today is to keep it real knowing that we will all have these bad days. Days were you shake and you can’t breathe. In these moments, just remember you aren’t alone. I still have to save me from myself but I am also saving me for all the people in my life and the ones that I can help. We got this.
I feel like I am rushing over the falls and praying to survive. We all have to reach out for support and love at times. Alone we are not – together we can love.
My life turned upside down 7 months ago. Went to school in a shark costume and spent the following week in the hospital. What happened? Why? Will I live? I have 3 children and I can’t be sick. My thoughts were wild like an uncontrollable beast raging inside me from fear to sadness dragging me down. The doctors finally figured it out. My immune system was attacking my liver and trying to rid me of my good liver – I didn’t even drink – I ate well, what? really? I was diagnosed with AIH (Autoimmune Hepatitis). I remember the doctor telling me not research it on the web because it was very scary. Well, I did – 5-10 years life expectancy – what?? I started to panic again – why me? what did I do wrong? How could this happen? Luckily, I found a support group on Facebook that helped me. The 5-10 years is untreated and right now I am responding to the medicine. Every day I breathe and pray knowing that my reality could change but today it hasn’t. That leads me to this blog. Bitsy’s Backyard came out of my fight to find a new normal, a little peace of heaven being locked in my house with a chronic illness that left me immunosuppressed during Covid. Yikes – I am one of the weak that the news talks about as vulnerable to this disease. As of today, I am on slightly lower immune suppression meds and hoping for a bright future. One thing I know is that I have my wonderful family that you will meet over this adventure that saved my life and made it more meaningful than most of the 49 years that came before my diagnosis.
Bitsy's Backyard 