The struggles cresting over the falls…

So, the first week of blogging was going well with a puppy, a super positive attitude and finishing a trip home from my favorite mountains .. what could change that? Well, back to reality and doctor’s appointments with test results and that portal that pops up with a new alert “letter for you to view”. Technology – Yeah! It is amazing to have instant access and I do appreciate it. It was especially great when I was healthy. Now, it has a new meaning to click and pray. So I am still waiting on some results and I am not sure how to keep focused on the good. Except – I guess intentionally doing it. Trying to stop my nerves is like standing at the top of the falls feeling the adrenaline rush through my body if I were to fall. How could someone who gets a daily dose of prednisone feel any more of the intense panic?

My plans yesterday were to post about my backyard bird feeders. I will post soon as they are one of the true happy parts of the backyard, but I thought I should keep it real – my story – as it goes up and down and possibly falls. So right now, I am focusing on the good, what I know to be true (not the what if’s) and our amazing family including sweet Meadow barking you got this – I need you.

Questions continue to rage inside my head “How will I make it through the each day?” This test might turn out ok and be something we just monitor but then there is next week and then the bigger scan the following week. It doesn’t seem to end. I can’t stop researching the tests and possible results in my portal. Yes I am one of those people who knows a little too much but not enough. Being a science teacher, I love to research but personal research is debilitating. How can I make it one more hour without shaking or screaming why???I don’t want to be whiny and have people cry for me; I want to be strong. But really I want to scream; I want to go back to work; I want to not think about what is next. My sister-in- law told me a quote from Amy Robach’s book from her husband about not dying before you die. I have to enjoy each day – from the small to the even smaller. You got this and with each step I have to believe it is going to get better.

So to bring calm to my mind today, I am looking over my journal – my thoughts from the last 7 months to keep me strong. Wild were my thoughts in the beginning but all have the same message – believe, pray, trust, and be the change for others. So I get to work on my projects, cleaning and such but most importantly I have to get outside myself. Go smell the lavender in the backyard. You are still here so keep going – keep pruning the bushes. I pray to let it all go and the truth is that my body and the medical team are working their hardest to keep me safe. So, let’s go Bitsy – keep on going. Today might be shaky, definitely coming off the anesthesia and no food for 2 days but it is time to breathe and work.

Well, I did some errands out and about. I did it even a trip taking sweet Meadow to the vet. I put on my mask and faced the world. Being away from everyone for 7 months except for my medical team and family had become my fortress with an awesome moat. Maybe it was safe there but I need to go on especially for my cheer team. They need me to cheer them on so I take steps. My best advice today is to keep it real knowing that we will all have these bad days. Days were you shake and you can’t breathe. In these moments, just remember you aren’t alone. I still have to save me from myself but I am also saving me for all the people in my life and the ones that I can help. We got this.