Can’t smell but still here.

The flowers are alive and so I am. I can’t smell but I love to watch the bumble bees buzz about.

Well, quarantine – isolation whatever you call it, can seem like a long time. A feeling of losing time and how unfair these rules are. Well can imagine my surprise when they told me that a 20 day quarantine was the plan? What? How can this be real? I just spent all this time isolated with AIH and now I am back in my room.

At the end of school, I moved my desk out and redid my room design so I could have a new start. Now, I am back in here finding my new way through. Lots of questions and uncertainties swirl around. Will my immune system attack my liver? Have I made it through a COVID infection? How will I have the strength to work?

I was bummed and kinda down in the dumps but found some moments to laugh. The days go slow and are very quiet. I am blessed to have the backyard as it is refreshing and breathes life into me. For some reason, I don’t get much done and feel lost as time passes. I thought that I would post everyday and find some inspirational messages. That didn’t happen. I try to sneak around outside and do a little gardening away from everyone. I have been picking weeds a little but just not motivated to do much.

One little escape that I have been trying is to walk to the different garden areas that I have tried to create. Meadow chases me around and makes me laugh. Simplicity of life that is one thing I am trying to focus on. Life! I have been watching too much news on my phone especially about Florida Covid. It seems out of control; why is one life not valued. I am struck by the selfish of individuals and how we can’t come together to stop this virus. Rights and freedom are important but so is being a kind person-loving others. The science changes every day and we must work with it. As a science teacher, I explain to my students that scientists experiments often fail but it is their tenacity to continue the journey, to find the answers that makes the big breakthroughs. We need to question – we must always search for the truth together not against each other. We have come so far in our understanding and need patience and kindness to lead the way.

As I think about going back to work, I am nervous about my disease and now the delta variant. I have so many questions. I am meeting with one of my doctors on zoom in 45 minutes to see where I am with my ability to go back out after my quarantine. What will make this world safe for me? How will this impact my family? We have college to pay for and lives to lead and I want to work. I need to go on. What some take for granted as easy decisions become terrifying for us weaker ones.

So I return to the backyard and simplicity. We can’t get too crazy about things. We can’t make things the way we want them to be so it is fair. That doesn’t work and only makes bitterness. Each step through the garden and visits to Darby and Delilah breathe life into my lungs. Each step forward to peace knowing that I really don’t have control over much in my life. Breathe and trust. At times, we have to let go. I can’t worry about my white cell count which has terrified over the last month. What will my system let in to attack me – I guess one thing was answered – COVID.

I guess as I ramble on today, my plea is for everyone to breathe – think about what you can do to help others. Take those steps in your garden. Reach out to help others before you get angry at the news. I think I am going to try to say something that I am grateful for when I start cursing at the news. I am grateful for my doctors and wonderful nurses. They have shown me nothing but love. I want to cry and scream at them and they understand my fears. During these times, find gratitude. Thank you to all my family and friends that are always there for a quick cheer. Bitsy’s Backyard will find a way to grow and become fun. I don’t think I can make Clarkson’s Farm but I have a little slice of heaven here where magic can come alive.